Light in my darkness

I know there is a future waiting for me. That might be the strangest part of all of this. I know it’s there. I know there is love, happiness, laughter, a life that feels like mine. I know there is light. I’ve felt it. I’ve even found someone who somehow makes me believe in it. But right now I can’t fucking see it. Everything around me feels heavy. The walls the circumstances the things I can’t change quickly enough. Every obstacle has grown into a mountain and I’m standing at the bottom staring up wondering where I’m supposed to find the strength to climb another one. My mind isn’t helping. It’s dark in here. Not the kind of darkness that means I’ve stopped wanting the future. Almost the opposite. I want it so desperately that being trapped in the now hurts. I can picture pieces of the life beyond this but every time I reach for them the mist rolls back in. Somewhere inside all of that mist there is her. She isn’t the darkness. God she’s the furthest thing from it. She’s proof that something beautiful exists beyond all this. A little light flickering through a place in my mind that has spent far too long learning how to survive without one but even light doesn’t magically move mountains. Now I’m just here. Crying. Angry. Tired. Drowning in circumstances I know aren’t forever but somehow feel endless when I’m inside them. I just need to remember that mist isn’t a wall. There is something beyond it. I just wish I could fucking see it.