Overwhelming grief

I lost my nan, and I lost Ray. Not just family. My best friends. The two people who made the world feel safe without even trying. Everyone says grief comes in waves, but mine never seemed to arrive. It just froze. Like my heart knew if it let itself feel everything, it would shatter into millions of pieces and there’d be nothing left of me. So I carried on. I smiled when I was supposed to smile. I laughed when I was supposed to laugh. But inside, it felt like the world had ended and everyone else had somehow forgotten. Some days I still reach for the phone before I remember. Sometimes I hear something funny and think, “I need to tell Ray.” Or I catch myself wanting my nan’s advice, her hug, her voice… and then it hits me all over again. Idon’t think I’ve ever truly accepted they’re gone. The tears never came the way they should have. The goodbye never felt real. It’s like part of me is still waiting for them to walk through the door, as though this has all been one long, cruel mistake. People say time heals.Maybe it softens the edges for some people. For me, it just taught me how to carry an ache that never leaves. I miss them in ways words can’t explain. It isn’t just my heart that hurts it feels like my soul is grieving for something it can never get back. I loved them more than I ever managed to say. And I think a part of me will always be waiting to see them again.