I can’t get it out of my fucking head. I can’t. We start getting passionate and I’m there. I’m with you. I want you so badly and then BANG. There it fucking is again. His messages. Throwing you around the room. Those words just fucking flash through my head and suddenly I’m not with you anymore. I’m in my own head imagining shit I never even saw. Creating pictures I don’t fucking want. Because you told me it wasn’t like that with him. But he said it was. Jesus fucking Christ the most terrifying part of all of this is that right now I believe him more than I believe you. HIM. How fucked up is that? I love YOU.
I’m in love with YOU. You’re the person I’m supposed to trust and somehow this man’s words have buried themselves so deeply inside my fucking brain that they overpower yours. Because you lied. That’s the bit I can’t escape. You lied and now even when you’re telling me the truth my brain is screaming BUT WHAT IF SHE ISN’T?
What if he was telling the truth? What if it was passionate? What if you wanted him like that?
What if everything you’ve told me to make me feel safe was just another fucking version of the truth designed to hurt less? Worst thing is. I do t care what you did with him. I hope it was passionate. I don’t care if he threw you around room or u called him daddy! It’s the lie!
ARGHHHH. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want him in my fucking head when I’m kissing you. I don’t want to picture somebody else touching you when your hands are on me. I don’t want to suddenly freeze inside when two seconds before all I could think about was how much I fucking wanted you. I want YOU. Fuck. I need you.
That’s what makes this so fucking painful. Because even underneath all this anger and fear and jealousy and absolute fucking chaos in my head I still just want you. I want to grab you and kiss you and forget every fucking thing that existed before us. But I can’t unknow what I know. I can’t unread those messages. I can’t force my brain to believe your version just because my heart desperately fucking wants to. So what the fuck do I do? How do I trust you when my brain keeps presenting evidence against you? How do I stop wondering whether I’m getting the truth now or just another version of it? Because I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose you. But Jesus Christ. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD. I just want it to be us again.
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